Definitive Diva

I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 years (we are in our mid-30s), and until a few months ago I would have described our relationship as simply bliss. The only snag was we live about 1 1/2 hrs away from each other, combined with his unpredictable schedule as a police officer, we spent time together on his days off. He has been trying to transfer to a department closer to me but it is a slow process. I had no problem being patient though. He's very affectionate, spends all his free time with me, calls often and is always trying to do things to make my life easier. I honestly had noticed no problems or differences in our relationship. A few months ago I saw his phone lying around and got curious if he still kept a certain picture of me on it. I never touched his phone before but for some reason I looked. I saw some texts between him and a girl that was a college intern a few years ago with his department. They were flirtatious in nature. She mentioned that he should come by and see her new apartment sometime. That line made me think that there was some flirtation going on but probably nothing more if he had never been to her house. I confronted him, I really had to draw out the details but he admitted she came by the station from time to time, brought him and his colleagues coffee, called and texted. He said it was something that he didn't really understand how it started but it got out of control and he couldn't seem to stop it. He said he realized it was wrong and would avoid her and not talk to her anymore. Over the next few months I checked his phone constantly when he wasn't looking and never saw anything. I asked him occasionally if he ever saw her, if she ever tried to contact him and he said no. But then one day after returning from a business trip I saw a text from her - similarly flirtatious in nature, indicating to me that nothing had changed. I again confronted him. After trying to spin it as her contacting him only, he finally admitted that he was still talking to her. I REALLY had to push for details and still don't have what I believe is the full picture, but I got him to tell me that he never actually told this girl that his relationship with me was bad or that he was unhappy, but he had tried to hint at it in his responses and tried to encourage her attention. He sent her a message in front of me telling her that he loved me and didn't want to have any contact with her anymore. I told him in order for me have a chance of getting over this I needed him to really examine his actions and be able to explain to me why it happened, why he kept it up after I caught him the first time, and how was he going to prove to me that I could believe it would never happen again.

In some conversations subsequently, he has said that he is really very happy with me, had no complaints, thought our relationship was progressing well so he won't accept that he is disatisfied with our relationship when I suggest that is the reason. He also doesn't agree that he could have an inferiority complex, think that I am maybe too good for him. I am attractive, profesionally successful, smart, well-traveled, etc. She could be described as a townie. He is saying and doing all the right things - talking about our future & marriage, talking about moving here, giving compliments, calling frequently - but he as yet cannot come up with the explanation I am looking for. I know part of the problem is that he is ashamed of himself so he doesn't want to honestly confront what he did. I suggested that maybe he needed another perspective and he said talking to his sister might help. It has been a few weeks and he hasn't had this discussion with her.

We've really never had any problems but this recent development is so surprising and disturbing to me because it is so out of character I can't just ignore it and get over it. If there's no explanation for it - even a bad explanation - then I think I will always wonder if there's some problem lurking that will resurface again.I don't know how to get him to explain himself and give me confidence in our relationship. And so I don't know what to do with our relationship....please help!